she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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