I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
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