we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
