i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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