yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
