I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
