thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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