I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
