The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
