I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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