Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
