hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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