My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
