My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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