I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
