this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
