apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
