I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Please don't give away my fajitas
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
