Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
