Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
