Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
