Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
