So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
