I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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