i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
