After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize