if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
