You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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