So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He told me they were just razor bumps!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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