Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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