we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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