Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
