Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
