The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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