we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
