So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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