i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
