wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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