the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
