Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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