Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
