Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
