i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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