So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
