well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
