Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
