i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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