i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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