i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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