you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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