Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
