I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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