So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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