god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
