Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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