she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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