I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
