So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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