so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
