I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
