Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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