Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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