I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
