I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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