Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
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