dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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