and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
